Friday, January 29, 2010

Awoken from a deep sleep.

Ever felt like you were missing something in your life? I am currently experiencing  this very thing. I started school last week, and have been running blind lately. I cannot tell you much more other than that I wake up some nights out of a dead-sleep feeling very weird. I truly hope none of this is complaining! I guess this is the best time to seek God the most. There is no way that that what's happening is an accident. It is God's hand on my life. I love to understand too much of what he is doing, that I don't trust him out of blind faith. This is the same faith that all disciples of Christ must have. Being with the people of God is for me like being raised from the dead(In theory). First, you of course, are DEAD. No question about that. You hear a voice that tells you to wake up. You have this weird feeling as hands touch your heart, all of a sudden they squeeze. Your heart slowly starts,but one problem, no life blood. You feel empty. The voice then connects a itself to you, and you start to feel... warmth. All of your organs start to work, but you GASP....No Air! Then as if on cue, the voice breathes in your lungs. As you try to wake up you realize that you can't. Your  eyes refuse to open. And the voice says "In time." "Just be patient, you need help." You feel hands touch your eyelids..then all of a sudden, a blinding light floods your pupils. When your eyes adjust, You see not one face, but MANY! This is how it has been for me. It takes the hands of Christ through brothers and sisters around me to bring me to life. They are how God reaches this living creature called Benjamyn. Well hope this made sense and was not complaining.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Wow moment

I just started my first class at University of Tennessee(Selmer branch) tonight. I really could not believe I was there to tell you the truth. Nothing in me should have had the nerve to go through with enrolling. I truly know that it was God that helped me to be able to get everything together for my registration. I mean, I was within a week of not being able to go  because I would have missed the deadline. But, since a friend (Amy Pennington) told me that school started January 19th vs. my thought of sometime in March, I made it. My class tonight was Visual Art,which is amazing in it's self, but not half as much as having a friend in that class with me! I got to see Ken S. in my class tonight, so I knew God was backing me up. I am very happy that I am able to do things with God's people. If tomorrow brings me losing my grant or anything else God may send, I feel that it would be his will. For the moment, I really enjoy having this opportunity to expand my knowledge and to hopefully become clay in the Potter's hands with my direction towards a medical field.

I really hope that I can pass this experience on to others. God wants to use us for his purpose, but he needs us to give up hope that we can do it for him and to know that the only way God uses us is if we allow ourselves to be directed by him. He allows us to be a tool in his work, for he is the hands we need to move at all! Just like Mother Theresa stated " I am only a pencil in the hand of Christ." I  hope to remember that for years to come. For it is not what we can do for Christ, but what he does through us and in us that matters most in his kingdom.That's my thoughts for tonight, I hope it didn't sound too lofty....because God really shows the fruit the day we least expect the test."POP QUIZ!" LOL...I hope that helped lighten it up a little!:-)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Purified for him

Hello again friends! I hope all is well with each of you lately. May Christ's mercy and grace flow over you. He shows us most that he is in control when we see that we are not. I feel that is the biggest lesson for this week that  He has worked in me. Just to trust him. Especially when it seems like this world and the enemy overtakes us, he uses this to weaken our will to fight of our own accord. Sometimes he may not answer our cries till we totally submit to him, because the trials we go through are the purification of his temple inside of us, in which Christ sends his fire to empty us of our selves. I feel that this is the biggest thing that he wants to get through to a lot of people. This purification of our whole being causes us to dread whenever our flesh  rises up to defend itself. It is not always instantaneous, and may take the span of our entire lives. When he comes, he will bring his purification in which he will truly separate the last clinging of this  fleshly body. Everyday he calls us to look for his face in the  minotinus and even dismal. I in no way have achieved or think this is a easy path at all. It is his path for us to follow, he set it with his life until the time in which he was revealed to his disciples. I'm feeling a little sick tonight so that will have to be all for tonight. Goodnight all! Till next time.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

In love with Christ

Today God has been showing me how much I am full of fear I am full of. I don't know who all has read "Hinds Feet on High Places," but I feel that I am MuchAfraid. God has been showing me how small I really am and how amazing he is. Today at our gathering, we talked about how God wants us to trust him like little children. Children don't know the difference between good and evil and trust their parents to guide them on their path until they become old enough to find out for their own. God's goal is to get us to depend on him alone, and to be clothed in HIS mind. This is true  intimacy with God. to be so close to him that we are "naked of our self" shown to be who we are, in all of our weaknesses and failures and that his love wraps us as a garment.  He adorns us with HIS righteousness. He makes a covenant with us (his people aka The Bride!) We forget about our weakness and become so raptured in his love and are deeply in love with Him. Hopefully I am not too confusing, I am feeling like I'm on cloud  writing this post. Hopefully,my next blog will make more sense.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

All for the King

Today I just want to say how much I love being a part of the people of God. There is nothing in me that deserves at all to be a child of the King! I am so humbled by how  much he cares for us. God brought back my short-fused temper this week...which shocked me, because I truly thought that I was headed away from this. It seems like God had gotten all that was visible to me out of the way, then started on digging at my soul. I read something in Fenelon's Seeking Heart that God does not go after what doesn't react to his touch...It's dead, and cannot fight against his will! He prods our sensitive spots to cause us to be shown who we are down inside. He works until we are absolutely worn out. The cross targets all that is alive to kill our old self. When we do die to our selfish wants, dreams, and desires (.....yes, even those that are for him!),we become still-like  in him. This is when he raises our spirit. We may look the same, have the same defects, but they aren't full of sin. We become like Adam and Eve before sin entered the garden. We look to Jesus for our direction and no longer depend on our self or for that matter, trust self. We are made perfect in the creator's the only way we can be, through Christ. We become a true part of Christ when empty of ourselves. Me devoid of self. I hope that I didn't sound lofty with any of this, and would like anyone who feels that way to approach me. I thank God that he works on his children to make us want to  grow up to be like him.Best of all, he is with us all the way! To the end....

Monday, January 11, 2010


I am not sure what to write in this post....Normally God hits a certain subject in my life that gives me an idea. I would really like to blog at least once a week, so I will have to seek God on what to write each time.

I truly feel that without God I'd be a wreck. Well, truth be told, he has wrecked me anyways. I know what your thinking...sounds counter-productive...right?  You would be right if it were any other relationship. One of God's goals is to make us a wreak. He wants us to be absolutely dependent on him and HIM ALONE. God has shown me a lot of this with the relationship with my Dad. For about 5 years now, we have been working on having a close relationship. Even with all the effort, we both seem like we are from different planets. We have a hard time talking sometimes, and have gotten through a major amount of situations together. Without God, we may not have had anything to do with each other.According to human standards, we were hopeless. God wanted us to need him. He alone could help us....not any effort that we tried.Our selves just get in the way By the grace of God,we both live among brothers and sisters in Christ  who have helped pull down God for us many a time, and  are headed toward a great friendship.As with all great friendships, it takes waking up every single day,  forgetting one's self to think of the other person. I really have started feeling a love for my Dad that wasn't there before. It is a miracle! Anyone who knows us both knows this to be true

We need to be emptied of ourselves to be filled up with Christ. If there is even the smallest amount of self, we need to ask  Jesus Christ to empty us of our self. A person devoid of self is like a vacuum for the Spirit of Christ. Hopefully we all can get to the point that we cannot truly live without Christ. I know I'm definitely not fully there yet...just  beginning.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Relationship with God

When you think of a relationship with God, what comes to mind? Praying to him when you are in need? Spending time studying the scriptures? Dedicating time to thinking about him during your daily life?  I've been reading "The Spiritual Guide" by Miguel Molinos. He talks  about a deep relationship with Christ. One in which d we learn to be devoted to Christ no matter the situation. Molinos talks about the Divine love of Christ, in which God seemingly turns his back on us, and we are made to suffer with ourselves.We sacrifice our lives to Christ devoid of  self-worth in our offering.But behind it all, God is joyful and happy. We may feel God has left us, that our prayers go seemingly unanswered, and we are left to our flaws and desires. Molinos states that God uses this time to purify us. God makes us love-sick for him. So that we wait on him at all times and wish only to do  his will. I hope one day I could be like this.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

From Spiritual infancy to adolesence

 I have been thinking about my relationship with Christ. He called his disciples to leave everything. Their families,jobs,lives and to follow him. After Christ ascended, they we They were lost until Christ's spirit fell on them. They didn't know what to do. They had become separated from their own lives. After Christ spirit fell on them, they didn't jump up and evangelize. It took persecution to spread the seed of the gospel throughout the "lost sheep of the house of Israel" and eventually the Gentiles. 

Jesus calls us today to follow. He tells us that we must leave all, only to become connected to himself alone. At first, our relationship is like that of an infant. Christ feeds us and we are swaddled in his love. His promises are wondrous and  we are usually full of zeal. But we are not able to stay here. 

Whether it takes months, years, or decades we eventually move on to the next stage. I think I have just gotten to this point.He wants to cause us to be his alone. We then  step into the "adolescence" of our relationship with Christ. I have felt that this is probably the hardest time in our walk with Christ. Zeal starts to run out, we start to really feel the consequences of truly following, and  Christ's promises seem distant to us. In this time, we truly find out that it is not our steps in our own strength that help. It can even be a hindrance for us to succeed in our way. We need God most in this stage.It is our dependence on him alone and not his promises to us. 

Hopefully this post doesn't sound mixed up....I cannot think clearly right now. I feel that moving only to be an extension of Christ, not what we feel we want to do for him, but what he will do through us.