It seems like God is starting to reveal even more how much I really need him. For the past 5 years, I had believed that I trusted Him, was starting to understand his way, and I could be an example of a servant.Once again, WRONG! He put me into situations where I could not see his face, my emotions totally betrayed me,and it seemed that no one understood me. He used people in my life to show me that behaviors that I thought I'd overcome,came crashing back on me.My short-tempered spirit rose up everytime my ego felt threatened, my "humility" turned out to be self-righteous arrogance,and my zeal for God was revealed as a deep rooted pride. When all of this was revealed, I felt that the world was crashing in on me, that God had left me to the mercy of my flesh,and I felt for the first time that I hated myself. Before this time, I'd said that my will was fully surrendered to God. He used all of the hard times(by the way, it's not over til' it's over!) to make a change in me. I am beginning to see the problems we see in others,the ones that really irritate us, are the very problems we have! It's absolutely humbling that Christ would die for such a person as me. The Shepherd for the lost sheep.Though the beloved has not been faithful, has led others away from The Way, and was the very hands that caused him pain.
I think I can sort of understand why Peter told Jesus " Get away from me,for I am a sinner!"
Benjamyn
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